Itchiness Be Gone

I'm now at the stage where I don't have to put as much cream on the itchy areas (other than my feet) which is great.

I'm guessing it's as chemo and I are becoming further apart in time I'm regaining things which I lost. 

Like no more itchy, flaky skin! 

BUT

We have ants. Ants in the kitchen, though we think we've got rid of them - until today. Husband and teen are on a walk and I spotted an ant on our table in the living room. Then I spotted two more on the carpet. I can only think that there's a nest we haven't found yet. This is not good. Not good at all. 

Worst of all I have little itchy patches on my body and my brain is overplaying it, imagining I have ants crawling all over me. 

I think I should go back to bed. 

Forgetfulness

I'm not a fan of forgetting things though am getting used to this annoying side-effect.

Mainly as I've been SO clever, buying birthday presents for birthdays at the end of the year, hiding the presents "somewhere safe".

Can I remember where that is? Can I heck. Some bits are together but there are several things which I'm sure I've bought but not where I've hidden. Which is annoying. 

"Oh just check your emails you're probably thinking. Well I was being so good at hiding things so the people wouldn't see that I can no longer remember where the emails are - other than not in my inbox. Oh, and the companies I've ordered from use different names on statements, so that's not the best suggestion either. 

ARGH. 

Hair

I've always been aware that hairloss would be something I'd experience. 2023 has been the year of the hairloss, most definitely. 

I lost a lot of hair at the front of my head, though it's long at the back. I am currently rocking a prog style cut but I'm hopeful it'll grow back quickly - mainly as I've already got 1cm regrowth in a lot of places. This is where I wish I had kept a log of when things happened rather than guessing (as I'm sure you're aware with my lack of days and time).

I shaved my underarm area over two months ago and it still hasn't grown back. My hair in the more sensitive area has thinned considerably - I can even see my c-section scar again. 

Eyebrows, I remember rubbing them a lot during phase 2 of my treatment (chemo and radiotherapy), they haven't grown back yet, although a few stubborn hairs are sticking around just in case. Eyelashes seem fine which is a relief. 

Generally my body hair seems to be growing (mostly) and none of it seems to be different. So no eighties perm style hair currently. I'm quite relieved.

I've been told the next radiotherapy is in such a small area that I won't lose any more hair too. 

Given I was told chemo would give me total hair loss (and it didn't) I'm going to tread (and brush) carefully...  but I think I'm due some good news, if only so it's one less thing to think about. 

Anyway, here's the hair. Lookin' good.... 

Ugh.

So we were back at the hospital today to discuss the results of my MRI from last week. Plus talking about chemo, the side effects and the next steps 

It's a weird meeting. My first notification from the hospital gave me a time tomorrow. Then I received an amended time for today. Then I received a phone call to amend my time today to a bit earlier. (which isn't a good idea as we're waiting for blood test results based on the blood test taken an hour beforehand) 

Then while we were waiting there was an announcement that appointments were running up to an hour and a half late anyway. 

Incredibly they found a vein quickly for my blood test which helped - unlike last week and the cannula. 

We did that part, and waited for the follow up meeting. It was the first time I've seen our Neuro nurse properly - she's worn a face mask up to now at appointments. 

We talked about the side effects. I need to be phoning/calling them if I get a rash, although it won't be due to this chemo as we've decided I should stop taking it. Now that sounds drastic and it is. My tumour is meant to respond well to that chemo, which overall it seems is working. But my side effects are too much. 

However, I have a new, very small, probable growth. Another tumour in a different part of my head. It's small, that much I do know. 

So we decided that I should have it treated with radiotherapy. At this point I said "oh brilliant! I love it there!!" (I really do) so now my consultant and nurse think I'm weird, as apparently nobody else has said that before. 

I asked my usual pointless questions which I got satisfactory answers for. I've been told to take photos of weird skin reactions (as I have my first dermatology appointment soon) - what are the chances that I'll be absolutely fine? High, I suspect.

When we got home we told the teen. She knows a lot and now knows a lot more. There were tears and hugs and all of us promising to communicate better. 

I still haven't cried. I'm still not sure why. 

Michael J Fox

There's a great* article about Michael J Fox in The Guardian. He talks about his Parkinsons diagnosis and how he won't live to 80. This part stuck with me though, it applies to anyone who is feeling the way I am currently, and I'm sure millions of others. 

He added: “I recognise how hard this is for people and recognise how hard it is for me but I have a certain set of skills that allow me to deal with this stuff and I realise, with gratitude, optimism is sustainable. If you can find something to be grateful for then you find something to look forward to and you carry on.”

It's so true. The hospital tell me that every time. I can do doom and gloom as well as the next person, but when it comes to me and my own way of dealing with things, this sums it up. 

* I realise talking about something which is eventually going to kill you or contribute to it is not a good thing, but I think it's really good to talk about it. Awareness is so important. 

Battle! Fight!

One thing that bugs me a lot, when other people describe someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, they'll tend to refer to it as 

"(insert name here) and their brave cancer battle"

or

"Fighting cancer - what a warrior" sort of stuff. 

I can hereby confirm I have not yet had a battle nor do I feel like a warrior. I feel like me. Boring, ordinary old me. I just have this crappy thing in my head which I can't forget about easily. 

The crappy thing will remain in my head, and I should find out how things are going fairly soon. Hopefully the crappy thing won't have grown but let's not think about that right now. 

My days are spent working through my to-do list and trying to move around as much as possible - which is easier when the teen isn't at school (strikes, nothing more sinister). Also, Daytime TV. It's generally awful, however I've been able to pass on words of wisdom to a few people with things I've spotted. So yeah. 

It doesn't seem like a battle. The only time I feel something is when I want to fall asleep or my legs seize up when we're out of the house. 

I remember wondering what it would be like to have a month off work, but couldn't ever do it. Here I am six months off work and okay, I'm recouperating and learning what I can or can't do (DRIVE! DRIVE!), but I do miss not being around people. 

Tiger Bread Feet

So after hating my now-healed hands, the dryness has spread to my feet. 

Cracked palms vs cracked soles, the feet lose big time. So off to the chemist I go for a decent foot cream that I'm able to use. My toes are peeling, my soles are dry and spiky. Truly, chemo side effects are no fun. They're talking about increasing my dose for the next batch. 

In other news, I have a rash all over my neck. We all know what's going to happen next, don't we? 

(p.s. this is not a good photo of the rash, it's way more defined but you get the idea)