Then the scary stuff is popped into your head...

I'm back at the hospital next week, and they want to check out my cough. It might be nothing or it might be something. The most extreme something is a blood clot. 

Given I'm going to be having a chest x-ray I'm now making sure I'm looking after myself. Especially when someone posted on a cancer FB group about their parent dying because of their blood clot which was recently detected.

So yes, getting checked out for that. 

So let's hope for a nothing result... 

Things

I'm not scared, I'm not upset. 

I'm not worried.

But I can tell you right now that some of the side effects I had at the start, pre operation feel like they might be coming back. 

The main one is the lack of time, date, day.... that I'm putting down to being at home a bit more than usual thanks to feeling so tired. I feel tired of course, because I'm not eating as much as I should. 

That'll be because being around the smell of food when it's really niffy (eg garlic, curry) makes my stomach turn and I start retching. The last time this happened it suddenly went and my appetite came back - so I'm hoping that will happen soon. If only to stop my stomach playing a little "grumbly symphony" when I can't tell if I'm hungry or not. 

We went out to Banstead for some lunch today. I kept my food as plain as possible without dairy to see if I could manage it all - I didn't (the bread slices were pretty thick though), and after I had eaten some food the smelly food and retching came back. So things seem to be shifting the right way but I'm not there yet. I've been referred to a dietician at the hospital anyway. 

So things are coming back, reoccurring, I'm speaking to the hospital about it and part of me wonders if this is another stage with this type of cancer and things are deteriorating? Do I want to know. I'm not sure.

I'm Falling

Today we went to Mayfield Lavender. Our local massive lavender field with three different types growing. The calming scent of the lavender would be good for me, I thought.

However, I didn't take into consideration that I'd spot a bee on some lavender and have to crouch to take a macro shot of it. Having got a few photos I went to stand up. Except... I couldn't.

It was like when I was taking steroids when my legs felt so heavy. When I struggled to climb the stairs in the evenings and had no energy.

I had to get help to stand. My sister was in front of me, sister in law behind and husband kept hold of all my stuff.

Honestly, I was taken back six months to the days when I had hair, just the one tumour and I had no idea what 2023 was going to bring. 

But the weird thing today was that I haven't had heavy legs since I stopped steroids a while ago. 

People

There's a new quirk starting to show itself. Apart from not knowing what day it is (Tuesday! Tuesday!) I also forget who is here. I'm able to stop myself in time, but I've come close to calling for people who aren't here.

For example, my sister - who is currently up North. The teen when she's at school. Workmates! Honestly, if you were to name someone I've probably got close to calling their name out.

Also, we've a new way of communicating here. If I've forgotten something from upstairs and the husband is still upstairs I'll call up to him. This now results in no response, with him coming downstairs. "What did you want?" He asks. I let him know that I was asking him to bring down my belt which (of course) I had forgotten to put on. 

So I end up doing it myself and forgetting what I was doing in the "now". But I've got my belt which is pretty important at the mo as I'm losing weight again. The world doesn't need to see my pants.

Repeat to fade.

Now, I was looking for a t-shirt and whether any exist with a certain phrase on it. Can I remember the phrase? Course not. I'm so good at the distraction technique I can do it to myself. Sigh.

Food, Glorious Food

I think my problem with food might be returning. I'm back to eating smaller portions which is kind of annoying - food doesn't excite me at the moment - I just eat because I have to. 

I remember the time I ate a whole pizza a month or two ago. We had pizza on Friday and I left half of it. It's little things like that where you wouldn't know if you weren't around me all the time. 

Yesterday I was starving - we went to a cafe but there was no food for the other two, so we gave up. In the end I bought a Waitrose Egg and Cress sandwich which took me forever to eat as I passed the weird hunger window. 

We had a burger for tea, I managed half of my veggie burger but had to leave it as I didn't have the energy to eat. Stuff like that, lots of little things. 

Then I had a rubbish night's sleep, getting to sleep sometime around 1am and waking at around 3.30am, 4.30am and 5.30am. But my brain read the time as a different time altogether. 

The Memory Thing, Food and Not Sleeping Too Well (I guess) & AOB

The Memory Thing - my days are getting mixed up again. Why, just yesterday I asked the husband if I went to a cafe with the teen at half term. I couldn't remember at all. I think he may have been surprised I didn't remember too. Mainly as he pointed out to get to the cafe, I'd have had to drive. Oh yeah... I can't drive can I. He was there too. Whoops. There have been more of these happening of late.

Food - I am conscious that my eating has slowed down a lot. These days everyone has finished while I'm only half way through my food. I'm hoping the food aversion isn't coming back again because that was annoying. I finish most things, however am leaving food in the evenings as I get too full. But it feels like it's changing again.

Not Sleeping Too Well - this isn't new. I've always had problems sleeping. I'm even worse at the moment, getting by on a steady five or six hours every night. I miss the days when I'd wake up at 10am, it's more like 6 or 7 these days unless I can get back to sleep quickly. I've cut back my coffee to one a day and none in the afternoon to see if it helps too.

Any other business? Well, yes, actually. This is a new one that's got into my head more than it should. I saw a lady in her seventies (maybe) walking outside, enjoying the sunshine. I felt really sad inside - that might never be me. I want to be an old person enjoying the sunshine, except instead I'm having to limit my time in the sun thanks to burning quickly. For the first time since this whole treatment started I felt quite sad for myself. Not sad burst into tears sad, just sad that something I'd have taken for granted might not happen. But then again it could, such is the unpredictable nature of this annoying tumour. 

Electric Shock - footnote - it's gone. 

Dermatology appointment - I got cream, it's all good. 

THEN

I think I've worked out why I gained (or lost, bear with me, my memory is rubbish, remember?) a day a while back. 

I've clearly forgotten one reading, maybe two. It has happened more than once - but when I get around to filling it in it goes where there's a space, rather than where it should be - this is only if I'm doing twenty seven billion things at once. Actually, it probably takes me doing just two things to forget. 

But that seems the best explanation why a day disappeared or was gained.