The Quietest Time of Night

is now. 

Husband always suggests I come to bed at midnight, however my sleep patterns are really messed up.

I usually lie on the settee, volume low and drift off to the tv. It's all fine. However, tonight the volume was lowered even further so there was no point. So instead I'm lying in the silence, the ringing in my tinnitus ears at high volume just in case I really fancied having a little nap or something.

Which comes way easier than it used to. I'm cross at things, at life. Things that didn't bother me seem to do a bit more than before. 

You know the weirdest thing about this tumour? It never goes away it just keeps growing. That's quite irritating. 

I've noticed lots of end of year lists, so let's give it a go. Bearing in mind I've little to no idea what came out this year. 

ALBUMS

Pale Saints - In Ribbons reissue (4AD)

Big Thief - can't remember its name

Air Miami - Me Me Me (4AD) always a classic album, always

The National - their last album (beggars/4AD)

Lucy Dacus - Home Video (Matador)

ARXX -  Ride or Die

TV
Happy Valley (binged)

Ted Lasso (binged)

Squid Game

Taskmaster (obvs)

I should probably try sleeping....

newest blood blister 

A Long Weekend

I like how when we get an extra day off, a bank holiday it's classed as a long weekend. It also means I have no radiotherapy on Monday because of this - so all back to normal on Tuesday. 

That extra day makes all the difference. 

I can tell I've got a dry cough, not sure if it's hayfever or an actual cold but as I'm so close to the end of this phase of treatment I'm hopeful things will be fine, especially with the extra day. Oh and a nice sunny weekend and a child-free weekend too as she's going off on her practice trek for Duke of Edinburgh Bronze. 

So it feels like it could be a nice time to just slow down, eat well and relax. 

(and miss my child)

Side-effect wise, everything feels normal again other than not being able to sleep properly. My legs are a little bit dry, remedied with some moisturising cream I've been prescribed, and a drowsy antihistamine. I get there in the end, though last night slept from around 11pm until 6.30am which was the old sleep patterns I had back in the pre-brain-injury days. I'm sure tonight it'll get wonky again. I'm sure. 

So this phase of treatment will end soon, then more MRI scans to see if it did any good. Then we'll know more. My sister asked if all the waiting was frustrating, but I don't think about it. I don't think it would be helpful - we get the info when we get it (so to speak). They moved me forward with this Radiotherapy as there was a space and accommodated what needed doing. 

So yeah, who knows what happens next? 

What Day Is It?

I know it's Monday, I got so confused. Looked at my spreadsheet diary and couldn't work out why I didn't have an appointment today, until husband pointed out it's the 22nd and actually I do. 

I've had a few unsettled nights sleep these last few nights. Lots going on in my head and I've also been busy too. As long as I turn up where I'm meant to be things are good. 

The joy in life is putting on a Eurovision playlist that we created years ago and which I add songs to. So we had fun singing along to 'Cha Cha Cha' even though we can't do any of the Finnish parts. I keep singing 'Poe Poe Poe' to the tune of 'No Limits' by 2 Unlimited which winds up the teen. If you can get your laughter that way, then why not? I have to keep laughing. 

Anyway, it's Monday and another week begins. I have a friend visiting later and I'm looking forward to it. It's all good.

Stuff

Oh you know, there's only so long you can go on about missing hair, thinning eyebrows and flaky skin before you run out of things to ramble on about. 

That's okay. I guess if anyone read this and came across it in one day it'd be a bit repetitive. 

I'm finding that my thing at the moment which is really getting to me is loneliness. Which considering my sister and nephew came to visit us at the weekend is a bit ironic - we were busier than usual but I wasn't really - I sat watching. 

On saying that, they had a house-wide game of hide and seek which was very funny - husband and I were both amazed there were that many places to hide here. I didn't join in as I felt tired, but supervised (and apparently looked quite guilty like I was covering up for someone hiding - I wasn't) and laughed at my sister hiding behind the door as she wanted to watch tv rather than join in with them. 

The loneliness is weird. Teen is on half term and needs time to decompress after six weeks of school - I get that - whereas I'm on my fourth month of being at home and hoping that I can go for a walk down the hill to the local cafes at some point (which I'd talked about with teen). I'm definitely needy because of this. Teen did actually tell me to stop being like this - I am now worried I'm making her feel guilty because I don't want her to feel that way, but I'm pleased she was able to speak up. 

Ultimately, all I need is someone to walk with me to the bottom of the hill as my confidence levels are pretty low - the last time I did it was on Saturday and before that it was December (mainly due to the bad weather). It's the coming back up the hill which gets me - my legs still aren't great from being on dexamethasone (now weaned back to 0.5mg!) and I have to stop as they get wobbly - I feel better being with someone than on my own. I'm also a lot better walking where it's flat - so once I'm down the hill it's much easier to deal with. 

So yeah, half term is a bit weird right now. Hopefully tomorrow and onwards things will be better. 

Unsubscribe

 So we've just had Black Friday, Cyber Monday, something else any other day of the week with an excuse for a discount for that store - the list is endless it seems.

Which is quite helpful with my little life laundry I'm doing at the moment. I received emails from companies I've never heard of - and when I searched my email history, it appears I placed orders several years ago. Nothing since, no emails since. It's like some marketing person has put something in place to nudge customers who don't really remember or care.

Fortunately on my side of things, it meant I had a whole load of companies to unsubscribe from. I've actually found these things have a pattern - I'm email subscribed. I follow them on Twitter. Oh and I like their Facebook page. So I'm getting all the news three times over and still not buying anything. So at that point I unsubscribe. 

Which feels a bit extreme, but then I'm also being practical. I'm unlikely to buy anything from them again anyway, and it's one less email to deal with if I ever can't deal with my inbox. Plus I'll get the same news via other places anyway, it's just once upon a time someone somewhere said it was a good idea to get lots of subscribers at (insert name here) social media network. So we all did. 

This has gone further too - I've been looking at the Instagram people I follow as I'm trying to keep things manageable there too. I've removed a lot of companies - I noticed way back some will follow you, then within a day they unfollow and you're unlikely to notice unless you have a tracker (life is too short for trackers). So I got rid of quite a lot of those, as most of the time I scrolled past them wondering why I was following them. 

Once you get started it becomes quite easy, though there is still the big conundrum, the people who post randomly on social media random links from their blog - but they still follow you. I've kept them for now as I'm weak and feel like if I was to get rid then they'd notice. (but so what if they do!) Though of course that's if they're tracking these things. 

TOO MUCH THINKING INVOLVED. 

Or too much overthinking more likely. 

Of course, the reason I'm doing this is so I only see what I'm genuinely interested in - and now I've pledged not to buy new things unless they're needed I don't need the temptation. Plus, and I hate to say this, but with this tumour things can change quickly (though this is unlikely right now) and I'd hate for anyone to have to deal with my overcomplicated inbox. So the things I can do to help will be good. Oh and for the record, yes I've started planning my funeral and everything else. Not in a morbid way, but just because I want to help and give guidance. If only to make sure the right songs are played....

Anyway, we don't need extra things. We've got enough. We are enough. Although I need to buy a new heated airer as ours has broken - typical they're all out of stock at the moment, but understandable!

also

Sometimes I'm quite lonely. Other times I crave chat. Sometimes I crave company but I have no energy to deal with it (which is annoying).

I crave a chat with my daughter who has taken herself off to bed for her quiet time. I miss her but know she needs that space. Plus I'm feeling a bit tired, which means having some time together will probably mean we sit in silence together, tucked under a rug keeping warm with nothing more to say than what she had for lunch at school that day.

Mostly I crave chat, can't keep up and get tired. That's a bit annoying and inconvenient though.