It's a weird one. I quite enjoy my own space, my own headspace, being on my own. Occasionally I crave company, usually when I'm feeling chatty (which can be anytime). But obviously, being signed off work for almost a year now with a few visits from lovely people who come see me isn't a huge amount - and more often than not, lately I've felt a bit lonely.
This isn't helped by the teen being off school for the summer holidays, nor the husband working - both are brilliant, by the way. But it's just not having someone there at the point you need them. This isn't something that can be fixed easily and I'm content and accepting of that.
We're all getting a bit snappy at each other now though. Not to the point it's a problem but I see it on a daily basis. The teen isn't happy I suggested adding food she likes to our weekly food order, for example. The silly little things we can do something about.
There are the things we can't do anything about. I had my MRI follow up consultants appointment yesterday where Tumour #2 hasn't got bigger which is a good result. I'm not sure what it means going forwards because I've got quite slow about questions, thank goodness for email, eh? Tumour #1 has a new growth though that may have been covered in my first course of treatment last year with the radiotherapy. But the new growth isn't necessarily bad, it might be leftover "stuff" (my term) from the first treatment, growing in to remind us all that this isn't a cancer that's going away - it's a cancer which is going to be a proper pain. A proper pain which nobody knows when it's going to strike and get worse.
Overall my consultant is happy with how it's all going. She's happy with me and my positive outlook. She was surprised I didn't look more poorly.
I celebrated with cake and a 9.1 blood sugar reading afterwards. Not wise.
The bonus of the new growth is a more frequent MRI schedule to keep an eye on it. Oh MRIs, how much I like you, lying there listening to Magic FM or whatever is on and trying not to bop my head to the music. It's quite relaxing to lie there with nobody bothering you (which I guess is now the exact opposite of being lonely, typical!) and live in your little world for half an hour or so. I preferred radiotherapy appointments as they were every day and quick so I'd get to chat to various radiographers or even bump into other cancer patients waiting for their treatment, it was like we had a little social club - and then it's stopped when you reach the end with just your plastic face mask to take away from it all.
Anyway, this is just to say occasionally I feel lonely, there's not a lot I can do about it, but writing about it is always a good purge of the brain.
