The Rash, The Side Effects, All That Stuff

I do still have a rash you know. It's probably more of a 1/10 rash than when it was raging before, but it's still there to remind me that it'll take its time getting out of my system.

Which in turn makes me realise one week on, three weeks to recover doesn't suddenly sound quite as unreasonable as I thought it did. Do bear in mind I thought I'd be returning to activities around this time, but actually just sewing six badges on a camp blanket using the sewing machine takes up enough energy.

My skin is changing again - now it's dry skin. Only in a few places too - my forehead, the back of my hands and my lower back. So I'm drinking lots of water and hoping it's just a hydration issue - because random things happen and I never know if they're actually meant to. 

It's a bit like one of those eighties computer adventure games. You think you know what you're doing but you end up going back to the same spot with something slightly different. You're not bleeding, you can eat and drink and move around so things aren't in a bad way, so you just keep going. 

I got out my sewing machine today - daughter's new camp blanket arrived so I sewed her name on it, and husband noticed I was shaking quite a lot when we set things up. I'm pacing myself so I don't do too much anyway, mainly so I get everything done without too many issues.

No Emotions

 This is something I've been wondering about writing about, my lack of emotions with everything. Now, don't get me wrong - I laugh, I giggle, but the laughter and giggles that come out are different to how they used to be. Things I used to find very funny I'm not howling with laughter about any more. Things that would get a reaction from me are met with a quieter laugh.

I know I'm dealing with a lot with the brain tumour, I would like to add that these whole two months I've known about what's going on in my head I also haven't cried. No tears. I was expecting tears to come at some point, but two months in and nothing, nada. Tears, where are you? 

Maybe it's me and my positive outlook (while things are still quite vague) and it's keeping those emotions away, but I'm surprised with laughter. I mean, I can watch an entire Taskmaster episode and laugh a LOT. The current series has just finished and I know I wasn't as cheery as I would be normally. So this leaves me curious - has the craniotomy knocked my emotions somewhere else? Will they come back? 

Healing-wise I've found that some things which were different after the operation are now back to normal, whereas other things are still in limbo. So for example, when I forgot words (regular words like 'chair'), that no longer happens unless I get tired. I can't open my jaw very wide still, that doesn't seem to have changed and I forget to put less food on my fork. There are other things which didn't work before the operation and do now, but the most emotional of emotions, they seem to have disappeared. 

Which leaves an empty feeling, where there could be tears there aren't, where there could be laughter there's quiet. Of course I Dr Googled it to see if it was a known side effect of my operation, and it's on the list - so I'm adding this to my "things I hope get better" pile, knowing it may well not. 

I'm absolutely fine about it, by the way. Not worried. I have too much other stuff to think about really. Just logging it here....

One

 Since the detection of the brain tumour I've noticed something weird with my head. There's always an uneven number of something and I need to find a single thing to make that uneven number even. 

That's probably the clumsiest way of explaining it - it is never anything that matters, always something that can be forgotten, often forgotten straight away other than I need one to keep things even. So my dreams are the quest for the single thing to make things okay again. If things are wonky then maybe it's a bad luck thing? I'm not about to try and find out, I know it's nonsense and something which has no meaning with anything, but it's a recurring dream which keeps coming back. 

The odd thing is I can never remember what the single thing is I need, but I get it. Then what? Dream forgotten, gone until the next time it comes back. Every-single-time. Every-single-night. 

I'd love to know what it means. It'll be mind games, the single thing being the path out of tumour land (which is unlikely to ever disappear until it takes me away) - and while I can find that single something in my dreams it's all okay, there's hope. Maybe. Hopefully. 

It is really odd though. I remember being in hospital at St Helier and trying to find the something I needed which took longer than usual. St George's? Yep, again, found it, a bit quicker this time as the ward was quieter and there was less other noise going on. 

So now at home it just comes every night. "Hello! You have uneven somethings and we need this single something to make it even then you can sleep again and not worry about things. Do hurry and find it, okay?"

I wish I knew what it all related to and why it's always needing just one. I'm not about to spend time figuring it out, I just wish it didn't happen every single night!