Meh

I have moments, moments where it all comes back and the enormity of all this rests itself on my shoulders. Just reminding me that it hasn't gone anywhere even if I pretend it has. If you're in denial or refusing to accept what you're told are you pretending, or is it self-preservation?

This is mainly from having being told different things about the same thing from different health professionals. Everyone knows what they know, but it isn't necessarily the same thing. So who to believe? 

Ultimately, I take all the opinions. They don't know. They only know how they're answering to me - and everyone is different. So I can ask to get some guidance but I shouldn't take it as being how it actually is, as it may well not be.

However, they do know how these types of tumours work. Some people get a short time, some people get a long time. We have no idea what happens next other than I've got to look after myself.

Yesterday I received a card from an old friend and neighbour. She heard about my health issues and was really sympathetic. Weirdly, this feels like the first time someone has addressed it directly other than health professionals. I know that's not the case - I've had many conversations with my sister and husband about it all, going over and over certain things - but never with a "why me?" angle - just a "this sucks" and a ton of positivity. 

How do I stay positive? Probably the self-preservation/denial. Probably.