Clean Clean

So for goodness knows how long (we're talking years here) dirty clothes end up on the floor, screwed up in a ball which clearly indicates there's no way it's getting worn again until it has been washed. 

However.

Husband is very tidy. He tidies everything. Everything. 

So all those clothes which were screwed up in a ball on the floor have been picked up, occasionally placed on a coathanger and generally just exist to confuse me forevermore. 

So to remedy this I've put everything* in the wash. 

* not absolutely everything, that'd be silly. 

Date to Date

So of course I checked in with one of my neuro nurses to make sure I hadn't missed any appointments. Except every single appointment was correct. When I looked at my list it didn't even seem as bad. Which leaves me wondering....

Could I see the same thing twice but it's different both times?

I know that sounds ridiculous. 

But it's the only thing that makes sense.

It's a bit weird. 

Argggghhhh

I think it may have finally happened. I am getting so many appointment letters, so many alerts on the app, so many texts asking me to book appointments that I no longer know what I'm doing any more. I have appointments I didn't know about and ones which I thought I had logged which no longer exist. 

Fortunately I have a neuro phone call tomorrow so I'm going to go over what I have to make sure I've not missed anything - or logged anything twice. 

The upside of all this is the appointments are in the new cancer centre, Sutton Oak Cancer Centre which is nice and spacious and bright - and it seems quite efficient in there too. 

Anyway, it took nearly a year, but here I am, confused. Ready to work it all out! 

Labelling

I've often struggled with labels. For example, if someone was, say, trendy. I'm definitely not trendy, and wouldn't use the label - but there are people out there who might. 

Fast forward to yesterday and my Blue Badge arrived in the post (hurrah!). On the back of the plastic thing you hold it in it says "Disabled Person's Parking Disc" which is.... a label. Do I think I'm a disabled person? No. Does Croydon Council think I am? Yes. Am I bothered by this? A little, but then I guess it's also learning to accept labels - and maybe I'm not because I don't think of myself as disabled - but actually I am. 

Anyway, because I have a blue badge now I used it in the school car park last night in the disabled spot. Mainly so I had done it once and it wouldn't be "a thing" next time. It wasn't a "thing" last night really, so I guess that means we're all good? 

I'm still too scared to try to use it on double yellows, mind. 

Hungry Like the 53 Year Old Woman I Am

I vowed if I was near the laptop and hungry I'd blog, so here I am.

I'm SO hungry. I had my usual lunch, I've had a mid-afternoon biscuit because I was still so hungry. Yet I'm still hungry, needing food for my groaning, croaky stomach which is making sure I don't forget it needs feeding. It's a bit of a pain. 

My hunger needs are definitely on the side of "feed me NOW" (a la Little Shop of Horrors) - though I am able to not eat. Then I just think about food - which we don't have as much of as I've been eating. Plus - diabetes.

I'm also annoyed as the Eat Real multipack crisps I'd been buying no longer seem to be available at my online shopping place. I don't have the energy to check all the local supermarkets so am doing without or am just splitting a large bag into smaller portions. Not quite the same but btter than nothing I guess....

I have more than enough to eat at lunchtime, it's the steroids switching my appetite around again I think. 

Mon-daze

So here we are, another week begins. It's Monday and I have my 'list of things' to do this week (which take forever to get done as I'm rubbish). 

My skin feels like it wants to get going on another rash-spots-dry cycle though thankfully I have plenty of creams to deal with it which makes a huge difference as I'm ready. I managed to lose my scalp massage brush for a few days - though it has pride of place in the bathroom now.  My hands look dry no matter how much water I drink but I have super strong hand cream to try and make them look normal. 

We've had an odd week. Husband got ill - to the point he was in bed on Friday evening as he really didn't feel very well at all - and I was worried in case I caught what he had and dealt with it badly. I kept my distance ("take paracetamol!" "take ibuprofen!" "drink water!" etc)...

I was panicking as he was due to drive us to the hairdressers on Saturday morning, though fortunately everything resolved itself. This is the first time we've had this issue - husband is made of strong stuff (fortunately) - but it made me realise how a Plan B is sometimes necessary. Fortunately he was fine the next day, but it did get me thinking.

And yes, we have to drive to the hairdressers as it's a few miles up the road.  My fault but there weren't any locally we could walk to. 

Last night around midnight we had a pretty big thunderstorm. I was awake for it all, waiting for the big CRASH that was inevitable while hugging husband pre-empting it. My face mask blocked the lightning which was helpful - and once it had passed sleep came quickly. 

Sleep always comes quickly at the moment, and for that I'm grateful. I need it! 

Loneliness

Here's one that I keep meaning to type up, maybe I already have. Who knows? Anyway.... loneliness. 

It's a weird one. I quite enjoy my own space, my own headspace, being on my own. Occasionally I crave company, usually when I'm feeling chatty (which can be anytime). But obviously, being signed off work for almost a year now with a few visits from lovely people who come see me isn't a huge amount - and more often than not, lately I've felt a bit lonely. 

This isn't helped by the teen being off school for the summer holidays, nor the husband working - both are brilliant, by the way. But it's just not having someone there at the point you need them. This isn't something that can be fixed easily and I'm content and accepting of that. 

We're all getting a bit snappy at each other now though. Not to the point it's a problem but I see it on a daily basis. The teen isn't happy I suggested adding food she likes to our weekly food order, for example. The silly little things we can do something about. 

There are the things we can't do anything about. I had my MRI follow up consultants appointment yesterday where Tumour #2 hasn't got bigger which is a good result. I'm not sure what it means going forwards because I've got quite slow about questions, thank goodness for email, eh? Tumour #1 has a new growth though that may have been covered in my first course of treatment last year with the radiotherapy. But the new growth isn't necessarily bad, it might be leftover "stuff" (my term) from the first treatment, growing in to remind us all that this isn't a cancer that's going away - it's a cancer which is going to be a proper pain. A proper pain which nobody knows when it's going to strike and get worse. 

Overall my consultant is happy with how it's all going. She's happy with me and my positive outlook. She was surprised I didn't look more poorly. 

I celebrated with cake and a 9.1 blood sugar reading afterwards. Not wise. 

The bonus of the new growth is a more frequent MRI schedule to keep an eye on it. Oh MRIs, how much I like you, lying there listening to Magic FM or whatever is on and trying not to bop my head to the music. It's quite relaxing to lie there with nobody bothering you (which I guess is now the exact opposite of being lonely, typical!) and live in your little world for half an hour or so. I preferred radiotherapy appointments as they were every day and quick so I'd get to chat to various radiographers or even bump into other cancer patients waiting for their treatment, it was like we had a little social club - and then it's stopped when you reach the end with just your plastic face mask to take away from it all. 

Anyway, this is just to say occasionally I feel lonely, there's not a lot I can do about it, but writing about it is always a good purge of the brain.