Where Did it Start?

 Laptop time again so it's easier to type and keep up with my thoughts - though also difficult to keep up with my tangents. 

There has been a lot of time to reflect on all of this, I'm five or six weeks in (if my sense of time is keeping up) and I'm looking back at things in the past that could be more of a brain tumour thing than a general day to day one.

For example, back in July we went to Australia. There are chunks of the visit I don't remember. It's very strange - looking at photos I try to place where I was and what I did. I get there in the end but it's not immediate - it's like looking back on a holiday that happened ten years ago. 

When we were in Australia we went to Rottnest Island and hired bikes. My bike was the worst, and also a bit lopsided as I only hired one bike rack. Obviously I fell off, husband found me with the bike on top of me trying to get untangled, and while that could be put down to the bike rack, it was definitely something I found a bit more difficult than normal. I switched bicycles with husband right at the end and cycled fine, so I think it might be the mismatch of machine and me a bit as well though. Bike rack? The thing you carry things on the back with. Can't think of the name. 

The journey to and from Oz I didn't sleep. That's not like me - I get little naps here and there but instead played a game the whole time. I had no patience for a film despite wanting to watch  'Belfast' . Little things like that make me wonder how much the tumour was already squeezing what was in my head. 

The key things which led to action were things I was saying in the week leading up to being taken to A&E. Disagreeing with things I knew were completely wrong. Saying things that were just bizarre. The people around me were worried, concerned, asking if I was okay. Of course I was okay, it's just menopausal brain fog, right? But as we know, it wasn't. But I had my answer. That was until husband phoned the GP and they told him to get me to A&E.

I suspect a lot of this is repetition, I'll go over it again and again looking for answers. Where did it come from? How long has it been there? How long before it grows back? I don't have any answers and I doubt I will. But my spirits will be kept up and that helps. 

I have also accepted that for the forseeable future I'll be taking steroids to keep the brain tumour from swelling too much (I think that's why I take them). So because of that I will have diabetes, though it is managed well. So if I accept it, then I don't have pizza or chocolate for a while apart from in moderation (like, a slice if I'm lucky).

You've got to pick your battles, and I think when I'm ready for the next round I'll choose it wisely. I'd rather have low level battles than higher as they feel easier to pick and choose. 

Radiotherapy started today and was quite painless and quick. Suits me right now.